For the 127th Time, I'm Trying to Lose Weight... / by Ricardo Marquez

Alright. This might come as a shocker to some of you, but I'm overweight. I KNOW! It's fucking ASTONISHING to me. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT IF YOU ATE FOOD AND DIDN'T EXERCISE AS MUCH, YOU WOULD BE OVERWEIGHT.

There's always factors that come in when you try to get back on the healthy kick. Things like when you look in the mirror and get turned on by embarrassed about your man boobs. Maybe it's the time when someone takes a selfie with you and there's literally no angle they can do to make your triple chin look somewhat normal. Or even something like seeing your reflection and noticing that the wind is making you look like you're about to give birth to triplets but then realize immediately there is no wind and your gut literally looks like you are about to give birth to triplets.

For me, it was all of the above.

Before I go on about this possibly failed adventure at obtaining a figure that can actually shop at H&M for once, I do need to point out a few things. I like being a large dude. Like, it's pretty fun. I'm jolly all the fucking time. I eat pretty much what I want and none of my friends seem to judge me too much. I'm surprisingly athletic/agile. And I'm comfortable with who I am. I've been pretty chubby for most of my life and 100% ok with it. IT'S WHO I AM.

So if I'm fine with who I am, why do I wanna lose weight? I feel like a pretty healthy dude (although when I go get my physical next week we'll see about it). I don't get sick all the time like some of my skinny friends. And I can actually tolerate when it's cold because I do have a few extra layers to keep me warm. I wanna lose weight cause of the little things. I wanna be able to play ping pong without sweating like I just jerked off a bison (DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW HOW SWEATY PEOPLE GET WHEN THEY DO THAT). I wanna be able to slide behind someone sitting down without my gut sucker punching them from behind. And honestly, I wanna be able to wear this shirt.

My nips are showing. Sorry guys. 

My nips are showing. Sorry guys. 

My sister and brother-in-law gave me this shirt I think like two Christmas ago or two birthdays ago. I don't remember cause I suck. Point is, it's a pretty awesome shirt. It's got pizza on it. If you can't tell already, I can't fucking fit in this thing. It's been sitting around my drawer for two years, waiting for me to wear it to work. BUT I CAN'T WEAR IT CAUSE OF THE GIANT MUFFIN TOP. WHO THE FUCK WANTS A MUFFIN PIZZA?!

Here's my biggest problem. I'm lazy and extremely unmotivated. I know I shouldn't eat like shit, but I live across the street from a candy factory and a Taco Bell so DON'T BLAME ME. I know I need to work-out, but I'm really good at video games and watching baseball while drinking a beer. I've spent 30 years getting this body in peak laziness mode and I'm not about to ruin it. Except, I need to wear that shirt.

Depending on what time you're reading this, I'll be out running jogging walking waddling crying to the Culver City steps. I'm serious. Go check my Snapchat right now and you'll probably see a snap of me bitching and/or moaning about doing that stupid thing. And if you see me complain on Twitter, Facebook or even Snapchat...tell me to stop being a twat and just keep going. I just bought new workout gear, might as well put them to use.
Point is, I need to lose weight so I can take advantage of life more than I have in this plump body of mine.

I'm Ricardo Marquez. I weigh 290 pounds. And I'm gonna try to lose weight for the 127th 128th time.